On Gender Identity

A friend recently came out as a transgender woman.  I'm happy for her and feel confident that she is doing what she feels is right for her. It's given me an opportunity to reflect on my own thoughts and understanding of gender identity. My views have changed significantly over time on this issue, and I imagine I will continue to refine my understanding further as I strive to better listen and learn from the stories of people who experience life differently than I do. 

I now consider myself to be an LGBTQIA+ ally, but I've quickly realized that I am still fairly ignorant on the topic of gender identity. I have listened to some stories from transgender individuals, but I have not personally experienced what it feels like to be transgender or even what it feels like to have a strong sense of gender identity.

I remember as a teenager going to a church dance and as I walked in, the group was line-dancing to Shania Twain's "I Feel Like a Woman." I scoffed at the song and the idea of dancing to it because I did not feel like a woman.  (I also wasn't very skilled at line dancing or dancing in general, so that also may have played a role in not wanting to participate.)

But the more I reflect, I'm not particularly sure I know what it feels like to be a "man" either, nor do I consider myself to be gender non-binary.  Biologically, I am male and I've never felt that my gender is misaligned with that.  I've heard people say that sex is biological and gender is a social construct.  In this regard, it seems like a boy would be someone who likes "male" things like playing and watching sports, working out, or fixing up cars. I know very little about how a car works, have not visited a gym in maybe 20 years and only mildly enjoy playing or watching sports.  While my lack of interest in sports may hinder my ability to carry on with small talk at work, I've never felt that these in anyway define me as any less "manly."  Simply put, I don't have a strong sense of gender identity, so it's difficult for me to grasp that others do. My understanding now is that gender is more than just a social construct of what activities one enjoys or the kind of clothes one enjoys wearing, but that there are seem to be genetic components to what it feels like to experience a specific gender identity. The topics of sex and gender and the language we use to put neat little boxes around the terms are imprecise and evolving as we learn more on these topics.  Here's a link to a great video which touches on some of these complexities - Sex and Sensibility - Forrest Valkai.

One of the greatest challenges in life is that it is impossible to truly "walk a mile in someone else's shoes."  We all start with the basic assumption that others experience things the same way we do. When we see the color red, we expect that others see the same hue of red.  When we experience a powerful, emotional reaction to a good movie or song or religious ritual, we assume that others will feel the same when they watch, listen or participate.  In a lot of cases, this ability to project our experiences on others serves us well and gives us the ability to have genuine compassion and empathy for others.  But it is still a limited projection of our own experiences onto someone else's and does not exactly reflect the reality of their experience - and at times our experience may be very limited.

I think this is an obstacle to my own understanding of gender identity.  When it comes to the lesbian, gay, or bi-sexual individuals on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, I think I am better able to empathize because, while I am heterosexual, I have an experience of what sexual attraction feels like - at least what it feels like to me. But for transgenderism, I don't have in my collective experience what it feels like to have a strong gender identity - male, female or otherwise, so I have a harder time empathizing and have to rely on the stories of people who do have a stronger experience with gender identity (this video resonated with me on this topic On Gender - Vihart).

In striving to show more compassion and support, I can also draw on similar experiences of when I made a major life change and felt uncertain about how and whether others would accept me. I've made decisions that I knew were right for me but also knew that others would never be able to understand. We probably all have experienced some form of feeling misunderstood or feeling like we did not fit in at some point. The more we listen to others' stories, the more we learn and grow.  

Ultimately, I may never be able to feel what it is like to be transgender, but I am strengthened from striving to listen and learn from those who have a different lived experience.