The Covenant Path

 It's been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. I'd like to think that's because I've been able to move forward with my life but I think it's probably more that my job (which I recently quit) has been so busy, stressful and all-consuming that I've neglected much of my personal life. So reflections around church, religion and spirituality have largely been on the backburner.

For the most part, I feel like I have actually moved past Mormonism - I'm no longer participating in any Mormon-related Facebook groups, usually don't feel as much shame or guilt for not taking my family to church and don't usually spend much of my mental energy on Mormonism. 

Last night, however, was different.  I cried for the first time in a long time about reflecting on Katelyn's upcoming baptism that I will not participate in.

Before I left the Church, I attended and pretended a long time after losing belief largely so I could be the person to baptize my daughter Madison. It wasn't so much that I thought the baptism itself was important - I don't think getting dunked in water has any bearing at all as to whether an all-loving God would permit one to be in its presence for eternity. But it was important to Madison at the time, so it was important to me. It was also important to me as my own Mormon-defined conception of self-worth was intrinsically intertwined with being a "righteous, worthy priesthood holder."  Of course, there was likely some amount of deception hiding from local leaders my disbelief in any of the founding narratives of Mormonism, but I think my own desire to consider myself still "worthy" overcame that and it was able to be a special day for Madison. I knew that Madison was likely the last child I would baptize but the next baptism (Katelyn's) was a couple years off so I didn't worry about it much at the time.  Now that time has come.

With Katelyn, I don't even think she cares much about being baptized.  She doesn't seem particularly  interested in church and really only wants to go when her friend from the neighborhood is going. Eight years old is somehow the "age of accountability" according to the Church, but in no world outside of Mormonism is an eight-year-old considered to be sufficiently aged or psychologically developed to make important life decisions - much less "eternal" ones. I cringe a bit when I see social media posts about how parents are so proud that their eight-year old "chose" to be baptized and follow Jesus. At that age when most still believe in the Tooth Fairy, it's much more about following your parents and submitting to authority than choosing a life path. So when Katelyn was asked if she wants to be baptized like her friends and older sister, of course the answer was yes. I unfortunately wasn't actually included in that discussion with Katelyn, but apparently she was told that I wouldn't be able to do the baptism, which she was initially sad about but then ok with it when she was told that her grandfather could do it.

I'm not opposed to her baptism necessarily, mostly because it's a chance to celebrate and give attention to Katelyn, but also because I don't want to be "that dad" who refuses to let their kids get baptized until 18. Though Mormons will never directly say this to your face, I've listened to enough insider gossip/meetings over the years to know that "that dad" is always resented by the church community as Mormonism limits full participation for those who are unbaptized (or female). Even without withholding consent for her baptism, I still am "that dad" - the one not deemed "worthy" by Mormonism to baptize his daughter - the deadbeat, lazy, inactive dad who was "blinded by the craftiness of men" and "not valiant in the testimony of [Mormonism/]Jesus." I get to listen to some talks about how Katelyn is making a great decision following the newly renovated "covenant path" to the highest level of Mormon heaven. 

While Mormonism provides community, structure, stability and comfort, I think she could grow up to be a much better person without Mormonism - not on the "covenant path" but perhaps a better path of her actual choosing - maybe one that was not originally paved by deception and immorality. Of course, the covenant path isn't all bad and maybe even net positive now that the path has been re-built, cleansed and sanitized so many times over the years. The more offensive earlier revealed rituals and teachings have been removed and the founding narratives are continually reinterpreted in light of damning contrary evidence. For better or worse, though, the covenant path was part of my own path and has lots of good mixed in with the harm such as the unnecessary shame and guilt that is still engrained in me as "that dad." 

It's significantly more difficult trying to pave your own path and I honestly don't think I've figured out that path for myself yet but maybe Katelyn will figure that out better than I have. In the meantime, I'll be showering Katelyn with love and faking a smile and holding in my own emotions as she takes the next step on her path.