Back to Church

Today I attended the LDS church for the first time since I decided to leave about a year and a half ago.

The bishop called me last week and asked if I would accompany my girls in singing a primary song for their Mother's Day "Sunday worship service" (which the bishop explained is what they call their meetings now apparently).

I was admittedly a bit hesitant about the invitation at first. My feelings regarding the veracity of the LDS Church have not changed, but I've always expressed how much I love the community and thought this would be a good opportunity to put my money where my mouth is and contribute to the community.  I also love music and genuinely miss that aspect of attending church services regularly. I asked my daughters if they would be willing to sing in front of a group and they seemed excited at the prospect, so I responded to the bishop and told him we would play/sing "I Often Go Walking."  Ultimately, my second oldest was sick today and had to stay home, so it ended up being a solo for my oldest daughter, which she performed beautifully. Due to the wonders of technology and the encouragement of COVID to allow such technology in church services, both her sets of grandparents were able to watch as well through Zoom.

It was a bit of an odd feeling walking into the church building for the first time in over a year - both of profound, comforting familiarity juxtaposed with a strange awkwardness of this no longer being where I find my spiritual sustenance.  I am still technically on the records of the LDS Church as I have not yet felt a need to resign my membership formally, but it felt much more like I was worshiping with the Mormons rather than as a Mormon. Interestingly, this mental distinction of choosing to worship with the Mormons today let me enjoy the service more than I may have when I was an active pretending-to-believe Mormon. I realized that while I may not identify as a member of the LDS Church, I deeply appreciated some of the positive influences that heritage and community has had on my life. (There are, of course, aspects of those roots that I strongly disagree with - but such are not the focus of this post) I loved the warmth of the greetings from old friends and feeling connected to others in my neighborhood who, though we often differ drastically in religious beliefs or political ideologies, are each striving to be the best people we can within the context of our own paradigms/worldviews.

The opening hymn was "Lead Kindly Light." The last part of the first verse reads, "I do not ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me." I've been striving recently to find more ways to be more fully present in the moment rather than wasting time and energy stressing about the past or future that are in large part beyond my control. One of the suggestions from a recent book I read (10% Happier by Dan Harris) is a walking meditation - being mindful of each step we take and the physical sensations of pressure and release in each individual footstep. "One step enough for me" was a great reminder that I don't need to have everything in my life planned out but can focus on each new step - literal or figurative - I take.

Does this mean that I'll be going back to Church every Sunday? Probably not. Will I return to belief in LDS Church truth claims? Not likely.

But I feel a sense of peace for now that I don't need to have that all figured out and perhaps the LDS community can still play a part in my overall spiritual journey.