Leaving the LDS Church - 1 year later

It's been about a year since I first publicly posted about my decision to leave The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I think this will likely be my last public post on this topic. I've debated whether to even do this post and have started and stopped writing a few times over the last couple months. I would rather define my life by who I am than who I am not and as such, dwelling on why I left is not where I want the primary focus of my life to be.  I don't want to define myself as an ex-Mormon or an ex-anything else. I also recognize that I have to allow myself the patience and kindness that comes from accepting that any major transition in life does not come easily or without mistakes.  Mormonism, or really any way of life that has so significantly defined who you are, is not something that can just be turned off, "like a light switch." I know I personally have made my share of mistakes throughout this process as I have let emotions get the best of me in difficult conversations. 

Perhaps two real-life conversations from the last week can illustrate where I am currently - one from a relative of mine and another from a former missionary I knew on my mission.

The first was a relative of mine who sent me a text with a conference talk by Jeffrey Holland that she found meaningful in her personal study and that caused her to think of me and my faith journey. I don't really engage much with conference talks any more - I mostly avoided general conference this last October which made for a much better weekend for me personally than the last few conference weekends - but I knew the talk was sent with love and probably a little bit of apprehension that I might react negatively. I listened to the talk in its entirety.

There were parts of the talk I thought were good - being kind to others, acknowledging that we are all imperfect, focusing on what we have rather than what we lack.  I also admire Jeffrey Holland's passion and genuine concern and love he conveys in his messages. Mostly though, the premise of the talk didn't really resonate with me - I don't see belief without sufficient evidence - or belief despite what I see as overwhelming contrary evidence - as a higher moral virtue than being willing to question and adjust even deeply held beliefs and paradigms based on an honest and continuous search for truth. Even now, while I'm not great at it, I continuously try to question and ask myself whether my current beliefs - political, religious or otherwise - are based on actual truth or based in a desire to believe or conform. I truly loved the Church and the community, which is why I attended long after I could no longer reasonably believe the Church was "true" in any meaningful way. Honestly, and maybe this is a bit too candid, if I thought there was a meaningful possibility that the Church is indeed true, I might still be attending. Obviously my believing friends and family will see that differently and may disagree with my characterization of that talk - and that's ok if we disagree.

But I didn't go into all of that with my relative (though she very may well may read this post) - I don't see a need to be combative or argue my position when really the main message being sent was "I'm thinking of you and care about you."  I've been somewhat surprised that there have been very few people from the believing perspective that have reached out to me directly after I publicly said I was leaving the Church and for those that have, it truly does show genuine love and concern. I thanked my relative for her message and genuine concern and love for me. I hope she continues to feel comfortable sharing such messages in the future if she feels so inclined.

The other conversation I had this week was with someone who I knew from my mission (he was a missionary at the same time I was).  This one was very different. He expressed some concerns regarding some racist comments he had come across from LDS Church leaders. He expressed that he knew that I had been open about my separation from the Church and might be open to sharing my thoughts on racism in the Church and in the US. I could have sent him some links to a long litany of problematic quotations from former Church leaders on the topic, but I think he's perfectly capable of searching for himself and coming to his own conclusions which might very well be different from mine.  It ended up being what I thought was a very good conversation where he asked some questions and I shared my perspective on race in America and in the Church. I shared that I thought the recent messaging from the Church that I was aware of seemed mostly positive such as with Dallin Oaks recent address at BYU but that yes, there were racist comments from Church leaders, particularly before and during the Civil Rights Movement in the US. I mentioned that the Church's response is essentially that these prophets were imperfect men influenced by their culture and time, which I think is almost certainly true even if not inspiring from my perspective. I pointed him to the Church essay on the topic on ChurchofJesusChrist.org as well as a recent faithful podcast I was aware of with an interview of Tarik LaCour on his coming to terms with racism in the Church. I don't think I have actually listened to this episode as I haven't engaged much with Mormon apologetics or criticism lately, but I respect Tarik's opinions and honesty addressing problematic issues based on my limited interactions with him online. So overall, I feel like I was open and honest on my perspective without trying to push him toward my views or point out other issues and tried to also provide references to faithful reconciliations. To me, that's a win.

I don't know if these two examples really convey what I'm trying to get across or not. Overall, I feel like I'm at a point where I feel like I can better engage with both faithful and critical perspectives. I don't see a need to attack someone for their faith or a need to push someone with questions away from the Church. I hope to be able to be honest and straightforward and answer thoughtful questions with thoughtful answers. I stopped following all Mormon-related online groups - both faithful and critical - a few months ago. I understand the frustration and pain felt in ex-Mormon groups and I think these groups play a very important role in supporting people through the difficult and painful transition away from LDS orthodoxy, but I also don't think it is necessary or desirable to dwell there forever.  I don't want to get to the point where I can no longer see the good in the Church and so ex-Mormon groups don't really serve a meaningful purpose for me right now.  

On the faithful community side of things, I haven't had much contact with most of my current ward. I know my seven-year old will turn eight next year which is often a significant milestone in the Church. Even though I no longer believe, it makes me a bit sad that I will not be able to participate in her baptism should she decide she wants to, but I'll make sure she knows that I love and support her no matter what happens.  Primary leaders will bring by snacks sometimes as our kids have not been attending due to COVID and lack of primary meetings. I was a bit disheartened seeing them give my kids a CTR ring with a picture of the temple on it instead of the letters "CTR" as well as facemasks with temple designs.  I know the temple and the "covenant path" are being pushed in the Church and so I know these are shared with love, and for many the temple is a symbol of peace and hope.  I honestly have no hard feelings toward these leaders, but to be honest, the temple is hard for me personally - I see it as a symbol of a place where I will never again be welcome or belong. If my kids choose to continue with Mormonism, that means I will ultimately be excluded from significant parts of their lives such as temple marriages. Seeing the pain caused by the Church from excluding family from such important events was a significant factor that contributed to my own faith crisis to begin with.  

Mostly, I try not to worry about such things and try to focus on the present and striving each day to be better than the day before. Some days I do better at that than others. From a learning perspective, I still enjoy learning about other religions and seeing the similarities and differences between them.  To some extent or another, all religions seem to be trying to point towards a desire for increased love and compassion for others which I see as noble aspirations.  I've enjoyed recently looking into some of the classical arguments for religion and the existence of a god or gods, and maybe I'll do a post about that at some point. I've also found discussions around epistemology (the study of the reliability of methods we use to ascertain truth) to be fascinating, and I've enjoyed philosophical debates around the existence and extent to which we experience free will. I am also continuing to strive to learn more about meditation and trying to apply that learning into my life and daily practice.  Before COVID hit, I was considering starting to meet with a meditation group at the Two Arrows Zendo in downtown Salt Lake, but they are no longer meeting in person currently, so that's not something I've actively pursued.  

So, this might be my last post about leaving the LDS Church, but it will likely not be my last on spirituality or religion.  While there is some sadness on closing this significant chapter in my life, I am excited about all of the new possibilities that await me going forward.

For anyone still interested in more of the specifics of my faith journey and who has read this far, feel free to visit my personal blog that I kept for my own purposes during my faith crisis at minglingwithgods.blogspot.com. As a caution, it has more of my unfiltered and more critical thoughts and research about specific issues and concerns that I was considering at the time, particularly some of the older posts from 2018.  It wasn't really written for an intended public audience and so some posts might be incomplete or seem really random as they related to specific issues I was thinking about then. If anyone wants to know more about my transition from the church or how to help a loved one going through such a transition, feel free to reach out to me any time now or at any point in the future.