The Stories We Tell
Humans love to tell stories. Many of them are useful. Some are true.
Perhaps one of the greatest features that sets us as humankind apart from other animals is the ability to conceptualize and tell stories. We love stories - many have fond memories of sitting around a campfire until late at night telling stories, have been influenced by a powerful story from a sermon, or can think of a novel that has been influential in our lives.
Stories can be a powerful tool for motivation and our collective stories bind us together in social groups that mostly serve us well. We are touched by heartwarming stories of compassion such as is exemplified in individuals such as Mother Theresa. We are inspired by stories of someone from a difficult background overcoming great obstacles to achieve greatness - from the leg amputee completing a triathlon to an individual that escapes an abusive or otherwise difficult family situation and goes on to make a name for themselves.
Many of the stories we tell, such as religious narratives, go beyond just moments of inspiration but actually define our identity and give us our perceptions of the purpose of our very existence. For some it's the story of a merchant from Mecca who at the age of 40 gave up his day job to become a prophet as an act of submission towards divine revelations he was receiving. For others, this could be around a God who came to Earth as a lowly carpenter from a poor Jewish family, exemplified a perfect life of love and compassion, and then laid down his life in an ultimate act of compassion. Or perhaps it's a great spiritual teacher who gave up his life as a wealth prince to seek ultimate enlightenment and teach others the path to reduce human suffering. These stories are so powerful that we internalize them as a part of not just what we believe, but who we are -a Muslim or a Christian, or a Buddhist.
But as powerful and awe-inspiring as our stories can be, some of the stories that we naturally tell ourselves can also have a detrimental effect on our well-being, both individually and as a society. Entire books have been written on the stories we tell (Crucial Conversations and Sapiens, a Brief History of Humankind come top of mind - both excellent reads).
Consider a few of the daily stories we may tell ourselves:
- Someone cuts me off in traffic - "Wow, I can't believe how rude and inconsiderate people are. How reckless."
- We cut in front of someone in traffic - "Wow, I can't believe how rude and inconsiderate people are. Just let me in!"
- Boss corrects us at work - "I hope I don't lose my job. She must think I'm a careless idiot."
- Customer service rep can't answer our question - "What a waste of my time! What's the point of having a support line if you can't even solve a basic issue!?"
Or more recently:
- Someone disagrees with universal mask wearing to reduce the spread of COVID - "I won't give into the fear-mongering, paranoia and anxiety the media is promoting! The government can't be allowed to restrict my freedoms!"
- Someone agrees with universal mask wearing to reduce the spread of COVID - "They are so heartless and can't even have the basic human decency to do something as simple as wearing a mask!"
In each of these scenarios, there may be some truth to the story that we are telling. Maybe the person who cut you off in traffic really is rude and inconsiderate. Maybe my boss does think I was careless, and some customer support lines are seemingly completely useless. But perhaps there are different stories we could tell that might be more beneficial and express more compassion.
Though it's very difficult to do in the moment and admittedly I'm not very good at it myself, I think it is beneficial to be able to take a step back occasionally and reflect on the stories we tell. Are they true? Are they useful? Do they promote compassion and understanding? What story might the other person be telling about me? Are there better stories I could tell?
Perhaps one of the greatest features that sets us as humankind apart from other animals is the ability to conceptualize and tell stories. We love stories - many have fond memories of sitting around a campfire until late at night telling stories, have been influenced by a powerful story from a sermon, or can think of a novel that has been influential in our lives.
Stories can be a powerful tool for motivation and our collective stories bind us together in social groups that mostly serve us well. We are touched by heartwarming stories of compassion such as is exemplified in individuals such as Mother Theresa. We are inspired by stories of someone from a difficult background overcoming great obstacles to achieve greatness - from the leg amputee completing a triathlon to an individual that escapes an abusive or otherwise difficult family situation and goes on to make a name for themselves.
Many of the stories we tell, such as religious narratives, go beyond just moments of inspiration but actually define our identity and give us our perceptions of the purpose of our very existence. For some it's the story of a merchant from Mecca who at the age of 40 gave up his day job to become a prophet as an act of submission towards divine revelations he was receiving. For others, this could be around a God who came to Earth as a lowly carpenter from a poor Jewish family, exemplified a perfect life of love and compassion, and then laid down his life in an ultimate act of compassion. Or perhaps it's a great spiritual teacher who gave up his life as a wealth prince to seek ultimate enlightenment and teach others the path to reduce human suffering. These stories are so powerful that we internalize them as a part of not just what we believe, but who we are -a Muslim or a Christian, or a Buddhist.
But as powerful and awe-inspiring as our stories can be, some of the stories that we naturally tell ourselves can also have a detrimental effect on our well-being, both individually and as a society. Entire books have been written on the stories we tell (Crucial Conversations and Sapiens, a Brief History of Humankind come top of mind - both excellent reads).
Consider a few of the daily stories we may tell ourselves:
- Someone cuts me off in traffic - "Wow, I can't believe how rude and inconsiderate people are. How reckless."
- We cut in front of someone in traffic - "Wow, I can't believe how rude and inconsiderate people are. Just let me in!"
- Boss corrects us at work - "I hope I don't lose my job. She must think I'm a careless idiot."
- Customer service rep can't answer our question - "What a waste of my time! What's the point of having a support line if you can't even solve a basic issue!?"
Or more recently:
- Someone disagrees with universal mask wearing to reduce the spread of COVID - "I won't give into the fear-mongering, paranoia and anxiety the media is promoting! The government can't be allowed to restrict my freedoms!"
- Someone agrees with universal mask wearing to reduce the spread of COVID - "They are so heartless and can't even have the basic human decency to do something as simple as wearing a mask!"
In each of these scenarios, there may be some truth to the story that we are telling. Maybe the person who cut you off in traffic really is rude and inconsiderate. Maybe my boss does think I was careless, and some customer support lines are seemingly completely useless. But perhaps there are different stories we could tell that might be more beneficial and express more compassion.
Though it's very difficult to do in the moment and admittedly I'm not very good at it myself, I think it is beneficial to be able to take a step back occasionally and reflect on the stories we tell. Are they true? Are they useful? Do they promote compassion and understanding? What story might the other person be telling about me? Are there better stories I could tell?
Compassion is key
ReplyDeleteWe´ve talked about this concept a lot over the years. Dad came up with the phrase "What else could be the reason?" as something to ask ourselves instead of jumping to a conclusion that someone was thoughtless, rude, etc. I heard a great sermon in church where the speaker encouraged us to "Make it up good" - meaning that we should make up a story as to the motivation of someone´s actions where they had a very good reason for their actions, rather than the "more likely" bad reason. For instance, you return to see your car is scratched on the truck by what looks to be a cooler. "Make it up bad" - a thoughtless person put their heavy cooler on my trunk and scratched it up. "Make it up good" - someone´s child was hurt at the park, they hurriedly moved items out of the way to get them into the car and get to the hospital. Both ways, the trunk was scratched, but with the 2nd story, you feel better about others.
ReplyDeleteI think this is perhaps the basis of "right judgment" vs "righteous judgment"- correctly judging everyone´s exact motiviation vs judging with righteous intentions. It´s not really my job to figure out why people do what they do, but perhaps it is my job to act as if everyone is doing their best (doesn´t matter if they are or not).